Growing Pains: Why Friendship Doesn’t Always Grow With You

It seems almost fantastical now, but I grew up with the naive notion that the optimal friendship is where you become best friends and then stay on that level forever. By inference, growing apart meant I'd done something wrong. I'm not sure where this unconscious belief formed, but I've since learned that it's far from the truth.

The Reality of Change in Friendships

I came to this revelation during a season of significant transition. I had just undergone a tremendous amount of inner healing and personal growth. Naturally, this led to changes in how I showed up in the world. One of those changes was a greater capacity for presence and self-awareness.

In the wake of this growth, I realized that I no longer felt as close to one of my dearest friends. When I got honest with myself, I recognized that the disconnect had been building for a while. However, I didn’t yet understand that people change and relationships shift—and that this is okay. I struggled to make sense of what was happening. I thought someone must have done something wrong.

While it is important to reflect on and grieve the loss of who you believed that friend was and what you expected them to be in your life (and this goes both ways), it doesn’t mean that a drifting relationship equates to failure in friendship. Sometimes, it’s just a part of life.

The Messy Reality of Relationships

Trying to keep a relationship going past its expiration date often exacerbates the messiness of the process. Many relationships are transactional, but one of the beautiful things about friendship is that it’s voluntary. It’s a joy for both parties to choose to stay connected.

I recall watching a video where Mel Robbins discussed how friendships change over time and in different seasons. Her insights helped me articulate my own feelings and granted me the permission to admit that my friendship had drifted. This understanding brought me peace and closure after years of grieving the messy end of what had been a close friendship.

The Pillars of Friendship

In The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins highlights three pillars of friendship: proximity, timing, and energy. Shifts in any of these pillars can cause a friendship to drift. This is a normal and understandable process.

Proximity

Proximity refers to being in close physical range to friends. Being nearby makes it easier to do life together and allows for more natural interaction. Without physical proximity, staying connected requires extra effort—a resource many of us simply don't have in our busy lives today.

But proximity isn’t just about shared experiences; it’s about building a bond. Engaging in activities that create empathy and connection fosters a sense of togetherness. When those shared moments are absent, maintaining the feeling of "doing life" with someone who understands you can be challenging.

Timing

Timing is critical in friendships, influenced by life stages. Whether you’re in school, working long hours, starting a family, or transitioning into retirement, each phase comes with demands that shift your priorities. This is a natural progression, making it easier to connect with those facing similar challenges.

As life changes, so do our friendships. It’s not uncommon for friends to fade in and out of our lives due to these shifts in timing and proximity. While some friends remain constants through different seasons, many will come and go.

Energy

Energy is another essential aspect of friendship. Mutual effort and natural compatibility enrich relationships. As our interests and priorities evolve, so do the depths of our connections. This was apparent in the friendship I mentioned earlier.

Upon reflection, I saw how my energy had shifted. This change stemmed from my personal beliefs, values, and priorities that transformed during my healing journey. I had become a healthier version of myself and I no longer engaged in the same way as before.

Once, I was driven by achievement and heavily focused on accomplishing more. Today, I find contentment within myself, embracing self-acceptance and rhythms of rest over relentless striving. This shift has reshaped the way I relate to both people and the world around me. Although this growth has been beneficial, it also led to a growing distance between me and a close friend. Over time, the tension between us became impossible to ignore, prompting a series of honest conversations.

Navigating Friendship Transitions

Friendships are shaped by many factors, including proximity, shared experiences, life stage, availability, and common interests. As these things change over time, it's natural for some friendships to change as well.

Navigating these transitions requires honesty, grace, and care—for both yourself and others. While some friendships deepen through seasons of change, others may become more distant. This can be painful, particularly when the friendship has been meaningful and significant.

As difficult as it can be, personal growth and life changes are not something to resist simply because they may affect a relationship. It's important to acknowledge both the gains and the losses that often accompany change. Sometimes growth brings people closer together; sometimes it reveals that two people are moving in different directions.

Healthy friendships are not sustained by history alone, but by mutual care, shared values, and a willingness to continue knowing one another as life unfolds.

When we accept that friendships can change over time, we create space to appreciate relationships for what they are in the present, rather than clinging to what they once were. While not every friendship lasts in the same form forever, the role it played in a particular season can still be valued and appreciated.